Walt Jaschek thinks large for you.

 Two new outdoor boards for the SSM Joint Replacement Center. Agency: Dovetail. Designer: Paul Maring. Writers: Paul and me. Everything I believe about advertising is communicated in these boards: (1.) People connect with brands via their hearts, not their heads. (2.) There’s nothing that can’t be made interesting. (3.) For a medium processed at 60 miles an hour, you gotta keep it simple.

Writing in social media requires spontaneity, commitment to the thread, and the ability to invoke group improv. It helps to have really funny friends, which I do. Here’s a funny Facebook thread about something that really happened to me at St. Louis Bread Company. Was amazed by what people will discuss loudly in earshot, and just had to share.  It starts like this:

A funny radio commercial promoting the syndicated run of “Matlock” starring Andy Griffith. It won a Clio Award for “Best Radio Copywriting.”

Radio Commercial Script: “Missings Persons” for Matlock

SFX: Telephone ring, followed by phone pick-up

TOUGH-TALKING COP: Missing Persons.

GOOFY GUY (phone filtered:) Missing Persons?

COP: Missing Persons.

GOOFY GUY: My wife is missing.

COP: Your wife is missing?

GOOFY GUY: My wife is missing.

COP: When did you last see her, sir?

GOOFY GUY: Four o’clock.

COP: Four o’clock?

GOOFY GUY: Four o’clock.

COP: Uh, where’s your TV, sir?

GOOFY GUY: The bedroom.

COP: Have you checked IN the bedroom, sir?

GOOFY GUY: No.

COP: She’s probably watching “Matlock!”

GOOFY GUY: “Matlock” is on at four o’clock?

STERN COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two. Go check your bedroom, sir. I’ll wait.

GOOFY GUY: Okay.

[LONG SOUND FX STRETCH: Goofy guys puts down the phone. He walks down a hallway. He opens the bedroom door. We hear a few seconds of Matlock (“Your honor, I…”) The goofy guy closes the bedroom door. He walks back down the hallway. He picks up the phone.]

GOOFY GUY: Hello?

COP: I’m here.

GOOFY GUY: She’s watching “Matlock!”

COP: I thought so.

GOOFY GUY: I didn’t know “Matlock” was on at four o’clock.

COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two.

GOOFY GUY: She really likes Andy Griffith!

COP: Of course she does.

GOOFY GUY: She was so busy watching “Matlock” that she forgot to tell me where she was!

COP: Tell her I understand.

GOOFY GUY: Okay.

SFX: The goofy guy puts down phone, walks down hallway again.

COP: Wait! I didn’t mean now! Sir? Sir?

SFX: Goofy guy opens bedroom door. Matlock is still playing.

GOOFY GUY: Hey! My favorite episode!

ANNOUNCER: “Matlock.” Weekdays at four on Channel Two. Because there’s nothing like a good mystery!

COP: I’m hanging up now sir. Sir?

Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer: Paul Fey | © Paul & Walt Worldwide

I wrote “Wedding Vows” for agency Maring Weissman and its client, CEFCU Credit Union. In it, a young couple gets suitably emotional about car loans, while an incredulous uncle can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. Director: Mike Sneeden. Production: Arbor Group.

TV Script: CEFCU “Wedding Vows”

A 20something bride and groom at altar exchanging vows in front of a crowd of guests.

BRIDE (so sincerely): Brad, I knew you were the guy for me when you said we should get our car loan from CEFCU.

In the pews, a funny uncle furrows his brow in confusion: did the bride really say that? Yes, she did, and she continues.

BRIDE: You said CEFCU had the best deals, the best rates, and you were right. You said we could trust CEFCU the most, and you were right. I said, “this is the guy for me,” and I was right!

The bride and groom share a look of pure love. A bridesmaid chokes up with emotion. But in the pews, the funny uncle, unmoved, leans over to his wife.

FUNNY UNCLE (a little too loud): They should never let them write their own vows.

WIFE: Shhhh!

The funny uncle, reprimanded, slinks in the pew sheepishly.

Cut to: CEFCU logo and tagline.

P.S. I also wrote that tagline, “Not a Bank. Better.”

This is a shot of me and my frequent collaborator, art director Chuck Hart. Location: Laumeier Sculpture Park. Photographer: David Preston. We used this on a self-promotion direct mail piece and brochure. Hey, when you’ve got a real prop like this, use it.

Wapner! This musical spot celebrating the legendary lawman from “The People’s Court” helped keep the syndicated show alive for its 167th season, won an International Broadcasting Award, a Promax Muse and a slew o’ Addys. Sing along now!

Radio Commercial Script: “Ballad of Judge Wapner” for The People’s Court

MUSIC: COWBOY BALLAD-STYLE, UNDER

COWBOY: He sits in judgement / He stands for the law / Kinda looks like a hero / And sounds like your Pa

BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!

MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS

COWBOY: He smiles and he laughs / His voice tinged with gravel / But the bad-guys just gasp / When he bangs his big gavel

BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!

COWBOY: Judge Wapner.

BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!

MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS

COWBOY: When neighbors brawl / When lovers refute / When suppliers and buyers and liars dispute / Wapner won’t let those lawbooks get dusty / Got a buddy named Doug / And a sidekick named Rusty

BACK-UP SINGERS: RUSTY!

COWBOY: With Wapner.

BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!

MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS

COWBOY: Doesn’t do it from towers / Doesn’t do it from steeples / He does it in court / A court called “People’s”

BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!

COWBOY: “People’s Court.”

BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!

COWBOY: Call him “Your Honor.”

COWBOY: JUDGE WAPNER!

MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS, UNDER

ANNOUNCER: Judge Wapner RULES… on “The People’s Court.”

COWBOY: Song over.

BACK-UP SINGERS: SONG OVER!

MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS AND FADES OUT

Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer: Paul Fey | © Paul & Walt Worldwide

Sorry to say we didn’t have a thing to do with the brilliant “Real Men of Genius” radio commercials (by DDB Needham, I might add,) but we did get to do some real fun stuff for the same brewery over the years, not the least of which was this little piece of “Star-In-Your-Own” absurdist theatre for Budweiser, the King of Beers. (You can hear the Monty Python influence in this and some of our other spots. But then, of course, you can also hear the Paul & Walt influence in Monty Python.)

Radio Commercial Script: “STAR-IN-YOUR-OWN RADO COMMERCIAL” for Budweiser.

MUSIC: Drumroll, under

ANNOUNCER: Budweiser presents: the world’s first “Star In Your Own” Radio Commercial! Okay, guys, whenever you hear this sound…

SFX: Ding!

ANNOUNCER: …insert your name.

MUSIC: Lounge music, under

SEXY WOMAN: Hi, there…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Sorry I’m late. Sometimes there just aren’t enough hours in the day to be both a neurosurgeon AND a swimwear model. Oh, am I thirsty! How about it…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: …got anything tall and cool?

SFX: Bottle top being opened

SEXY WOMAN: Oooo! Budweiser long-necks! Oh…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: …you are so thoughtful.

SFX: Beer being poured, under

SEXY WOMAN: But of course. Bud’s the first choice for every occasion. (Sips) Ahhh. You know, I have a confession to make. If I ever have a son, I’d want to name him…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Oh…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: …come here. Now! Mmmmm…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name!

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (bigger:) Your name!

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (much bigger:) YOUR NAME!

MUSIC: Bud theme, under

ANNOUNCER: We-he-hell! You did very well in your first commercial! Have a bud! You’ve earned it!

SINGERS: This Bud’s for…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Anheuser Busch. Saint Louis, Missouri.

Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer: Paul Fey | © Paul & Walt Worldwide