Walt Jaschek thinks large for you.

A funny radio commercial promoting the syndicated run of “Matlock” starring Andy Griffith. It won a Clio Award for “Best Radio Copywriting.”

Radio Commercial Script: “Missings Persons” for Matlock

SFX: Telephone ring, followed by phone pick-up

TOUGH-TALKING COP: Missing Persons.

GOOFY GUY (phone filtered:) Missing Persons?

COP: Missing Persons.

GOOFY GUY: My wife is missing.

COP: Your wife is missing?

GOOFY GUY: My wife is missing.

COP: When did you last see her, sir?

GOOFY GUY: Four o’clock.

COP: Four o’clock?

GOOFY GUY: Four o’clock.

COP: Uh, where’s your TV, sir?

GOOFY GUY: The bedroom.

COP: Have you checked IN the bedroom, sir?

GOOFY GUY: No.

COP: She’s probably watching “Matlock!”

GOOFY GUY: “Matlock” is on at four o’clock?

STERN COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two. Go check your bedroom, sir. I’ll wait.

GOOFY GUY: Okay.

[LONG SOUND FX STRETCH: Goofy guys puts down the phone. He walks down a hallway. He opens the bedroom door. We hear a few seconds of Matlock (“Your honor, I…”) The goofy guy closes the bedroom door. He walks back down the hallway. He picks up the phone.]

GOOFY GUY: Hello?

COP: I’m here.

GOOFY GUY: She’s watching “Matlock!”

COP: I thought so.

GOOFY GUY: I didn’t know “Matlock” was on at four o’clock.

COP: Every weekday at four on Channel Two.

GOOFY GUY: She really likes Andy Griffith!

COP: Of course she does.

GOOFY GUY: She was so busy watching “Matlock” that she forgot to tell me where she was!

COP: Tell her I understand.

GOOFY GUY: Okay.

SFX: The goofy guy puts down phone, walks down hallway again.

COP: Wait! I didn’t mean now! Sir? Sir?

SFX: Goofy guy opens bedroom door. Matlock is still playing.

GOOFY GUY: Hey! My favorite episode!

ANNOUNCER: “Matlock.” Weekdays at four on Channel Two. Because there’s nothing like a good mystery!

COP: I’m hanging up now sir. Sir?

Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer: Paul Fey | © Paul & Walt Worldwide

This funny radio commercial for website Smartship.com was a London International Advertising Award recipient. It’s also one of my personal favorites. I’m not sure why. Could it be Stewart Sloke’s wonderful performance as the beating-himself-up guy?

Radio Script: “Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline”

SFX: Telephone pick-up.

FEMALE HOTLINE WORKER: Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline.

FUNNY GUY: Is this the Beat-Yourself-Up Hotline?

HOTLINE WORKER: Yes, sir, if you’d like to beat yourself up, this is the place to do it.

FUNNY GUY: Okay, I’d like to beat myself up now, please.

HOTLINE WORKER: Go right ahead when you’re comfortable.

FUNNY GUY (clears throat and proceeds to beat himself up:) I am so stupid! I can’t believe how stupid I am! What an idiot! I left all of my holiday shipping until the last minute again! Now it’s a huge hassle! Why do I have to do this to myself every year? When, oh when, will I learn?

HOTLINE WORKER (impressed:) You beat yourself up very well, sir.

FUNNY GUY: Thanks.

HOTLINE WORKER: But maybe you should just log onto Smartship.com.

FUNNY GUY: Smartship.com?

HOTLINE WORKER: Right. Type in your zipcode, and Smartship.com tells you the fastest, easiest, most affordable way to do your holiday shipping — even at the last minute.

FUNNY GUY: Wow. Smartship.com.

HOTLINE WORKER. Mmm-hmmm.

FUNNY GUY (proceeds to beat himself up again:) Why didn’t I think of that? Why do I have to have somebody else tell me what to do?

HOTLINE WORKER: Sir, I… FUNNY GUY (builds to a crescendo:) When, oh when, will I learn? When will I ever have an original thought???

(beat)

HOTLINE WORKER: You’re really good at this, sir.

FUNNY GUY (humbly:) I’ve been told it’s a gift.

ANNOUNCER: Smartship.com. The way smart shipping is done.

Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer: Paul Fey | © Paul & Walt Worldwide

The Southern California Volvo Dealers wanted to “cut through.” (All clients want to “cut through,” but these folks seemed pretty sincere about it.) We invented this technique, and have used it multiple times: a single voice, stand-up comic style, tossing out one-liners, interspersed with hard-driving music as a punctuator. Imagine this spot in the voice of Ellen Degeneres. Then tell me: is it her?

Radio Commercial Script: “VIVA LA VOLVO” for Southern California Volvo Dealers

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: Friend of mine said he wanted to talk to me about my Volvo. I said, “Thank you — that’s between me and my gynocologist.”

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: He said, “No, no, your car — your Volvo 850 Turbo Sportswagon.” I said, “Oh, that. No, you can’t drive it.”

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: Oh, I love my Volvo. Sure, it’s safe, but, gee, just because driving on the freeways of Southern California is the equivalent of playing bumper cars at the speed of light, what kind of reason is that?

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: Volvos are still ultra-luxury imports. Sleek and gorgeous and loaded to here. Safe and sexy and… (BEAT) pardon me, I have to go hug my car now.

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, UNDER

ANNOUNCER: Want safe AND sexy? Viva La Volvo! Test drive a Volvo at your Southern California Volvo dealer.

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM UP, SUDDENLY OUT

ELLEN: “Since when is safe sexy?,” another friend asked. “Hey,” I said, “what decade are YOU living in?”

MUSIC: HORNS AND DRUM RESOLVE INTO FINISH

Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer: Paul Fey | © Paul & Walt Worldwide

Wapner! This musical spot celebrating the legendary lawman from “The People’s Court” helped keep the syndicated show alive for its 167th season, won an International Broadcasting Award, a Promax Muse and a slew o’ Addys. Sing along now!

Radio Commercial Script: “Ballad of Judge Wapner” for The People’s Court

MUSIC: COWBOY BALLAD-STYLE, UNDER

COWBOY: He sits in judgement / He stands for the law / Kinda looks like a hero / And sounds like your Pa

BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!

MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS

COWBOY: He smiles and he laughs / His voice tinged with gravel / But the bad-guys just gasp / When he bangs his big gavel

BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!

COWBOY: Judge Wapner.

BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!

MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS

COWBOY: When neighbors brawl / When lovers refute / When suppliers and buyers and liars dispute / Wapner won’t let those lawbooks get dusty / Got a buddy named Doug / And a sidekick named Rusty

BACK-UP SINGERS: RUSTY!

COWBOY: With Wapner.

BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!

MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS

COWBOY: Doesn’t do it from towers / Doesn’t do it from steeples / He does it in court / A court called “People’s”

BACK-UP SINGERS: WAPNER!

COWBOY: “People’s Court.”

BACK-UP SINGERS: JUDGE WAPNER!

COWBOY: Call him “Your Honor.”

COWBOY: JUDGE WAPNER!

MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS, UNDER

ANNOUNCER: Judge Wapner RULES… on “The People’s Court.”

COWBOY: Song over.

BACK-UP SINGERS: SONG OVER!

MUSIC: HARMONICA WAILS AND FADES OUT

Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer: Paul Fey | © Paul & Walt Worldwide

Sorry to say we didn’t have a thing to do with the brilliant “Real Men of Genius” radio commercials (by DDB Needham, I might add,) but we did get to do some real fun stuff for the same brewery over the years, not the least of which was this little piece of “Star-In-Your-Own” absurdist theatre for Budweiser, the King of Beers. (You can hear the Monty Python influence in this and some of our other spots. But then, of course, you can also hear the Paul & Walt influence in Monty Python.)

Radio Commercial Script: “STAR-IN-YOUR-OWN RADO COMMERCIAL” for Budweiser.

MUSIC: Drumroll, under

ANNOUNCER: Budweiser presents: the world’s first “Star In Your Own” Radio Commercial! Okay, guys, whenever you hear this sound…

SFX: Ding!

ANNOUNCER: …insert your name.

MUSIC: Lounge music, under

SEXY WOMAN: Hi, there…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Sorry I’m late. Sometimes there just aren’t enough hours in the day to be both a neurosurgeon AND a swimwear model. Oh, am I thirsty! How about it…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: …got anything tall and cool?

SFX: Bottle top being opened

SEXY WOMAN: Oooo! Budweiser long-necks! Oh…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: …you are so thoughtful.

SFX: Beer being poured, under

SEXY WOMAN: But of course. Bud’s the first choice for every occasion. (Sips) Ahhh. You know, I have a confession to make. If I ever have a son, I’d want to name him…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Oh…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: …come here. Now! Mmmmm…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name!

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (bigger:) Your name!

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (much bigger:) YOUR NAME!

MUSIC: Bud theme, under

ANNOUNCER: We-he-hell! You did very well in your first commercial! Have a bud! You’ve earned it!

SINGERS: This Bud’s for…

SFX: DING!

ANNOUCER (softly:) Your name.

SEXY WOMAN: Anheuser Busch. Saint Louis, Missouri.

Writer: Walt Jaschek | Producer: Paul Fey | © Paul & Walt Worldwide